1.
"I'm
not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode."
2.
"I'm
on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it."
3.
"If
I were a bird, I know who I'd poop on."
4.
"I
used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
5.
"Common
sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
6.
"Life
is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
7.
"I'm
not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
8.
"Sarcasm
is how I hug."
9.
"I
clean my house every other day. Today is the 'other' day."
10. "Why
fall in love when you can fall asleep?"
11. "Behind
every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."
12. "I
followed a diet but it didn’t follow me back. So I unfollowed it."
13. "I
don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every
morning."
14. "Don't
give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping."
15. "I
talk to myself because I need expert advice."
16. "If
life gives you lemons, add vodka."
17. "That
awkward moment when you’re not sure if you actually have free time or you’re
just forgetting everything."
18. "Chocolate
is the answer. Who cares what the question is?"
19. "I'm
not short, I'm just more down to earth than most people."
20. "Some
people graduate with honors, I am just honored to graduate."
21. "I'm
not weird. I'm limited edition."
22. "I'm
multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time."
23. "If
at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
24. "Zombies
eat brains. Don’t worry, you’re safe."
25. "My
bed and I love each other, only the alarm clock comes between us."
26. "My
wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry."
27. "I
thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted a paycheck."
28. "Being
an adult is like folding a fitted sheet. No one really knows how."
29. "If
Monday had a face, I would punch it."
30. "Some
people just have a way with words, and others... oh... not have way."
Bonus
LOL:
31. "Exercise? I thought you said extra fries!"
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