100+ funny quotes to keep you laughing throughout the day

 

Over 100 funny quotes to keep you laughing throughout the day:

1.   "I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already." — Tommy Cooper

2.   "I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book." — Groucho Marx

3.   "Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are." — Will Ferrell

4.   "I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." — Unknown

5.   "I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer." — Douglas Adams

6.   "Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it." — Unknown

7.   "My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine." — Caroline Rhea

8.   "I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early." — Charles Lamb

9.   "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!" — Unknown

10.                "I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done." — Steven Wright

11.                "The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one." — Oscar Wilde

12.                "I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode." — Unknown

13.                "I intend to live forever. So far, so good." — Steven Wright

14.                "Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth." — Unknown

15.                "The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces." — Will Rogers

16.                "A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory." — Mark Twain

17.                "You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?" — Steven Wright

18.                "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it." — Unknown

19.                "I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug." — Unknown

20.                "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us." — Bill Watterson

21.                "A day without sunshine is like, you know, night." — Steve Martin

22.                "I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done." — Steven Wright

23.                "Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia." — Charles Schulz

24.                "My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that." — Stewart Francis

25.                "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes." — Jim Carrey

26.                "I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying." — Unknown

27.                "If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments." — Earl Wilson

28.                "I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort." — Zach Galifianakis

29.                "I drink to make other people more interesting." — Ernest Hemingway

30.                "I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own." — Les Dawson

31.                "We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public." — Bryan White

32.                "I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness." — Emo Philips

33.                "I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender." — Rodney Dangerfield

34.                "If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else." — Ann Landers

35.                "My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." — Rodney Dangerfield

36.                "I can resist everything except temptation." — Oscar Wilde

37.                "I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure." — Unknown

38.                "I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her." — Rodney Dangerfield

39.                "My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do." — Unknown

40.                "I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?" — Chandler Bing (Friends)

41.                "Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak." — Alan Dundes

42.                "The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets." — Al McGuire

43.                "Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem." — Bill Vaughan

44.                "I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure." — Unknown

45.                "To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research." — Steven Wright

46.                "If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you." — Steven Wright

47.                "If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito." — Dalai Lama

48.                "The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese." — Steven Wright

49.                "I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific." — Lily Tomlin

50.                "Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive." — Elbert Hubbard

51.                "I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something." — Jackie Mason

52.                "We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know." — W. H. Auden

53.                "If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer." — Ace Ventura

54.                "I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house." — Zsa Zsa Gabor

55.                "I haven’t failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work." — Thomas Edison

56.                "I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by." — Douglas Adams

57.                "The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished." — Groucho Marx

58.                "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." — Mark Twain

59.                "I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it." — Groucho Marx

60.                "A day without laughter is a day wasted." — Charlie Chaplin

61.                "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits." — Albert Einstein

62.                "I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food." — W.C. Fields

63.                "Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter." — Mark Twain

64.                "I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them." — Phyllis Diller

65.                "The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time." — Abraham Lincoln

66.                "To err is human; to admit it, superhuman." — Doug Larson

67.                "The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so." — Gore Vidal

68.                "My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the heck she is." — Ellen DeGeneres

69.                "I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass." — David Lee Roth

70.                "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." — Thomas A. Edison

71.                "The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby." — Natalie Wood

72.                "As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it." — Buddy Hackett

73.                "It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others." — Ashleigh Brilliant

74.                "A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man." — Lana Turner

75.                "I never feel more alone than when I'm trying to put sunscreen on my back." — Jimmy Kimmel

76.                "Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day." — Unknown

77.                "You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?" — Steven Wright

78.                "I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." — Groucho Marx

79.                "A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure." — Unknown

80.                "A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths." — Steven Wright

81.                "Don’t you find it funny that after Monday (M) and Tuesday (T), the rest of the week says WTF?" — Unknown

82.                "I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock." — Henny Youngman

83.                "I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat." — Will Rogers

84.                "I’m trying to see things from your point of view, but I can’t stick my head that far up my ass." — Unknown

85.                "I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work." — Thomas Edison

86.                "If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments." — Steven Wright

87.                "Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy." — Benjamin Franklin

88.                "I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already." — Tommy Cooper

89.                "I told the doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places." — Henny Youngman

90.                "My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them." — Mitch Hedberg

91.                "Procrastinate now, don’t put it off." — Ellen DeGeneres

92.                "I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early." — Yogi Berra

93.                "A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours." — Milton Berle

94.                "I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it." — Unknown

95.                "The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket." — Will Rogers

96.                "I'm not arguing. I'm simply explaining why I'm right." — Unknown

97.                "If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito." — Dalai Lama

98.                "Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you're done." — Unknown

99.                "Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it's a beautiful day." — Unknown

100.            "People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day." — A. A. Milne

101.            "Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth." — Unknown

I hope these quotes add a little laughter to your day!